Ahhhh, the holidays...

by Dean Poling

Ahhhh, the holidays.

Time for delicious food, TV specials, days off work, gifts, sweet confections ... and relatives.

Oh, well, you can’t have it all.

For some, the holidays are a time of warmth and family togetherness. For others, the only warmth of the holidays is the hellish heat of family togetherness, such togetherness can be compared to being holed up in the Alamo, and we all know how well that ended.

Thanksgiving being the chief holiday of such togetherness can bring out the best in families.

There’s Uncle Bud showing off his appendectomy scar at the dinner table while claiming it’s a war wound.

Aunt Brunhilda insisting that everyone try her new spin on her traditional pickle platter: The char-broiled pickle. Ahhh, nothing says family togetherness like the smell of burning pickles.

Uncle Dood undoing his belt and the button of his pants after dinner, dozing off with his left hand snugly fit into the elastic waist band, whose snoring would be monstrously irritating if not drowned out by Grandpa Mandu having the television volume turned to its loudest setting.

Aunt Margarita living up to her name by drunkenly suggesting hanky-panky by the refrigerator with cousin June’s handsome fiance, followed by the shocking revelation that, for the past two decades, Aunt Margarita has been having an affair with Uncle Chuck, who is your uncle because he is married to an aunt other than Margarita.

Meanwhile, there’s the admonitions about not bringing up Uncle Mackrel’s hair plugs, cousin Juanita’s divorce, Aunt Bertrine’s breast augmentation, Uncle Klaus’ breath, cousin Henry’s live-in friend Bert, the widening girth of Aunt Clorise’s derriere, or the new car purchased by Uncle Moe. Not that there’s anything wrong with Moe or his new car, but who wants to hear his claims of having the best gas mileage of any vehicle in the family for three and a half hours?

Yes, the holidays. All made easier if you remember a few simple things: They will be gone soon, and these people are your family, and you probably do something that ticks them off as much as you think they tick you off.

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